Until trick-or-treating gets more inclusive, parents in this community are sharing their strategies for getting through spooky season with slightly fewer sensory meltdowns.
Parents, please share your suggestions to help other neurodiverse families prepare for Halloween, and navigate the day, without losing our heads.
Read what other parents have said below, and share yours in the comments:
Halloween social communication can be draining and overwhelming for our kids (speaking or non-speaking), even though it is scripted (“Trick-or-treat… Thank you.”). When my son was little, I rehearsed the routine with him until he had it down. When it came to the main event, he was so overstimulated by all the people, sights, sounds, and especially tastes, that he would forget to say thank you. Plenty of the other kids didn’t say thank you either, and now I wish I had been more chill about it.
He still had a blast, but oh the rigidity… mine as well as his. When I got hyper-vigilant about him getting it “right,” my stress would rub off on him. Then I learned a thing or two from autistic self-advocates, which helped me let it go…
LANGUAGE WARNING!
Sensory integration Halloween style can be ghoulish. My son looks forward to this day for weeks, even months. When he was younger, he wanted desperately to wear his precious costume but felt like every seam was trying to scratch his skin off.
In our Brooklyn neighborhood, trick-or-treating is pretty crowded and overstimulating, even for me. I love seeing all the kids and costumes, but I get exhausted when there is pushing, shoving, or loud noises. We get in, we get out. We don’t let it drag on. If I start to feel claustrophobic, the fun’s over. It’s time to go home.
Unfamiliar equals unsafe to our kids. When my son doesn’t recognize the kind of candy he has been given, or know what it will taste like, he will stop to examine every unfamiliar piece, to the confusion of the kids trying to step around him in their effortless excitement. When he comes out of his candy examination, I watch him look up, disoriented, and I call out to him. He hears my voice but doesn’t know where it is coming from - or doesn’t hear me - and is completely turned around. I see him freeze. I push through the throngs of goblins, tap him on the shoulder, and lead him out to the sidewalk. Repeat.
Some kids will run off when they feel excited or unsafe. Sometimes it’s so crowded that you can lose sight of your kid. So I love K’s tip to dress your kid in something that glows in the dark!
You set the tone. One family has a tradition of visiting a new neighborhood every year for trick-or-treating. That’s their ritual, and their kid knows what to expect. Previewing expectations and “emotionally vaccinating” kids can go far. Here’s a post from Dr. Becky Kennedy’s Instagram:
“Halloween is not the hill I’m willing to die on.”
Any changes to our schedule throw my son off, but we especially protect his sleep schedule because we have experienced the aftermath of letting it slide. It has to be a very special occasion to let our kid stay up late. Halloween is one such special occasion. It isn’t just about sleep, although that is how all of our nervous systems recharge. It is predictability, which equates to safety. It is anticipation of the next morning. There will be a cranky day. There will be an extra meltdown in there somewhere. Sometimes we just do it anyway, because… Halloween.
But I know many parents who say “Halloween is not the hill I’m gonna die on.” They keep it limited if they do anything at all. You know what’s best for your family, and you get to create the traditions and rituals that work for the whole family. Some stay home and give out candy. Some split up for the night so each kid gets their needs met. There is not just one way to celebrate Halloween with your neurodiverse family.
My kid loves candy, but his nervous system and digestive system don’t. The first year we were planning to venture out of the building for trick-or-treating, he was 3. I arrived at the Pre-K Halloween party, and his plate was already loaded with treats. Snug in his adorable dragon costume, his cheeks were stuffed with goodies that tasted so good he just couldn’t stop. He told me his stomach hurt, and I wasn’t the least bit surprised. On the way home on the bus, he looked a bit green, even though he was a red and gold dragon.
As soon as we stepped off the bus, he puked on the curb. I called myself lucky (that it didn’t happen on the bus), took him home, and snapped a few adorable dragon photos before putting him to bed.
The next year he decided to be cookie monster, and nothing was going to stop him from grabbing all the treats he could. Most of them went uneaten, and eventually disappeared. Magic!
7 Halloween Tips From Neurodiverse Families
There were so many great hacks, I’ve consolidated them into categories:
Costumes: “We talked about wearing something comfortable and ordered and returned a few costumes already,” says A.
M. says, “We buy our costume in August and our child dresses up at home for playing. This makes putting the costume on for Halloween much easier.”
“When my kid was little they didn't want to wear a costume so I would buy a Halloween themed shirt.” Thanks C., I love this!Timeline: E. told me “One thing we did was delay trick-or-treating at all! We were going to take him for the first time when he was in pre-k, and when the afternoon came he actually said he didn’t want to. He didn’t really have friends yet, and he wasn’t comfortable interacting with unfamiliar adults. so I just said okay, and we didn’t go! In kindergarten he was ready to start, so we did.”
L. says “It is your kiddos’ Halloween, go at their pace. One year we visited five apartments, they were thrilled! That was all they wanted.” This is such a good reminder for me, because I tend to project my expectations during holidays.Communication: “I used to pass out little cards I printed out,” says M. “I got them from a website somewhere - explaining to be kind, my kid is non-speaking. I cannot STAND it when people demand to hear ‘trick or treat’ before handing candy over. My boy always leads the way around our very busy neighborhood. He usually goes a few blocks and then wants to go home at this age, which is fine with us! …I also had a few social stories about Halloween when he was little. That helped. It’s a really bizarre tradition when you think about it!”
”We do more local community events instead of door to door trick or treating because my child becomes nonverbal during the process of door to door. Nothing is required or forced, including family parties or anything like that.”Expectations: “Kids will change their minds about everything,” says J. Be flexible, and “curb your tendency to want to create a certain experience.”
“My kids think trick or treat only last for two blocks,” says my friend M. “They never have asked for more than they could see, and I never offered more. Some parents think I'm so cruel going this route, but I think they have clearly expressed what they enjoy and can handle. It's also what I can enjoy and handle. Just because there is more candy doesn't mean they need it, and just because there are terrifying decorations doesn't mean we need to terrify ourselves. No need to give in to the excess, especially if it's too much sensory input for your kids - or yourself. BTW we still all have a ball! We focus on creativity, and our relationships with people on the block.”Preparation: A. says “Walk the route in advance. See what it will look like at night, if possible.” And create a map! I love this idea!!!
Social stories, which are simple stories detailing what to expect, can be very helpful, especially for kids who have anxiety around new experiences. Thanks for the reminder, L!Candy: My friend S., who is more vigilant about sweets than we are, has employed the “Switch Witch” to negotiate a trade of candy for a toy.
And M. says, “We buy our own candy because they have allergies.”Teens: “Halloween has no upper age limit,” says C. “If your ND teen wants to trick or treat, no shame. My son always wants to just to just “walk around” the neighborhood to enjoy the costumes and festivities. And if some candy happens to fall into an open hand, all good. I will never tell my 6ft teen he’s too old to trick or treat. I love his innocence and how excited he is about dressing in costumes.”
What questions do you have?
What do you anticipate will be the hardest part?
The most fun?
There’s no one right way to approach Halloween. I hope these suggestions have inspired you to find your own path. Every neurodiverse family finds their own way to navigate this baffling and spooky holiday, and it can be helpful to hear different perspectives.
What’s your perspective?
What Halloween hacks do you have for neurodiverse families? I know you have some tricks to share with parents who may be struggling to make Halloween fun for their kids. Please put your suggestions in the comments!
This is enormously helpful. I’m doing a workshop soon on handling the holidays as a HSP soon and will include this in my resource list.
Lots of helpful things here! Plan to link your article on my newsletter too!