The end of summer* inevitably brings up the feels in ourselves and our kids.
*Northern Hemisphere-centric, I know. But I write from personal experience, and I currently live here in Brooklyn, NY.
Every seasonal transition has its stresses, but the bittersweet, salt-encrusted end of summer is cluttered with all the unmet stealth expectations and glowed-up childhood memories we can carry. They spill out of the bottom of our emotional backpack like sandy Crocs, leaving a mess…
…and the cleanup, as always, is on us.
I Hope You Snuck in at Least One Joyful Experience Just for You
A sunset frosé, beach read, or your own version of adult lap swim. You’re gonna need that memory.
Write yourself a mental postcard and keep it tucked away.
Savor it as we head into unpredictable weather:
“Yikes Get Your Shoes On Now The Bus Is Here Season” followed by
“It’s 10 am, Time to Pick Up Your Kid From the Nurse’s Office Season,” then
“Honeymoon’s Over, the Teacher’s Calling Again Season,” of course there’s
“IEP Meeting Season” which can pop up anytime like a tornado without notice (even though there are supposed to be early warning signs) and finally
“Lockdown Drill Season.” Will our hearts ever stop hurting?
As you make this transition, remember that your kids are probably experiencing emotional whiplash.
They’ve navigated fewer seasonal changes, and they’re neurodivergent. Differences in pace, routine, temperature, daylight, your stress level etc. will throw them off. So they’ll need to borrow your regulated nervous system.
Where did you leave it?
True Empathy Begins With Self-Empathy
If your emotional backpack is a cluttered mess, take care of that before helping your kids with theirs. For authentic connection, please inquire into your own feelings and needs first.
Here’s my 9-step process, but in a pinch, the first 2 will do.
Ask yourself, “How am I really feeling?” If you need help, here’s a feelings list (cnvc.org).
Ask, “What do I most need right now?” This may be a physical need, but look beyond that to what’s underlying it. Here’s a needs list (cnvc.org).
Give yourself empathy: hear your feelings and needs and acknowledge them.
Sense your body. Be present with what you experience. Give it space. Breathe.
Repeat.
Then, ask (or guess at) what a loved one is feeling and needing. Listen.
In your own words (or non-verbally with a sound, gesture or gaze), reflect back to your loved one what you heard. Ask if you got it right.
Give them space. Offer unconditional positive regard. Don’t try to fix anything.
Start from the beginning.
Whatever you do, don’t try to fix anything!
What’s the hardest part of this for you? Tell us in the comments.
A kinder future for our kids begins with kindness toward ourselves.
Thank you for reading to the end. I’m looking forward to September, actually, because we have some wonderful guests joining us LIVE. Join us on the Substack App Sundays at 11 am Eastern for unscripted chats with:
September 14: Patrick Weir, Creator & Host of Parenting Pivot.
September 21: Victoria Bennion & Natalie Tealdi of The Autism Mums Podcast.
I love this, especially number 8.