As parents raising neurodivergent kids, we know how frustrating, discouraging, and worrying it is when they give up on something we know they could learn, right before it finally clicks.
But what looks like avoidance, defiance, or “making excuses” is often something much deeper. When our kids reach their limit, they’re showing us where they need more support, not less.
Choose Collaboration Over Judgment
I don’t subscribe to the idea that the world is tough, so kids need to toughen up.
I’ve seen how creating a loving, nurturing, accepting, and nonjudgmental space allows kids (including my own) to grow their confidence and courage — and soar.
The essence of mindful parenting
Dr. Ross Greene’s work has been fantastic resource for me.
When Ocean was in Kindergarten, and struggling to keep his hands and feet to himself at home, another parent recommended the book ‘The Explosive Child’ to me. It may not resonate with everyone, but the collaborative system is sound. Greene has written several other books, and his website offers a wealth of free material.
His message, in a nutshell:
“Kids do well if they can.”
This has become my guiding principle.
Believing it in every context, no matter what, takes work.
It’s the essence of mindful parenting.
It’s the foundation of any collaborative relationship.
When we see good intentions in someone, we will be willing to work out our differences, listen to them, and respect their point of view. That opens the door to collaborative conversations.
Tell Your Stories of Struggle
The idea of a growth mindset has helped me immensely: the belief that mistakes are not failures but opportunities for learning.
Everyone’s brain is different, and everyone has different support needs.
No child intentionally succumbs to the limitations described in their diagnosis.
Our culture doesn’t support persistence when something feels hard.
That’s why our kids love hearing stories about our own struggles.
These stories help our kids feel less alone, normalize effort, and de-shame the process of learning. If you have a story of overcoming adversity, share it honestly.
Don’t make it a polished success story with a moral at the end.
Talk about how it felt to struggle.
For example:
“Yes, I get how challenging it is when your brain doesn’t cooperate with what you want to do. I have a brain that finds spelling really hard too. I had to work harder to learn spelling than everyone else in my class.”
When we model vulnerability and self-compassion, our kids learn that trying again is brave, not shameful.
Support, Scaffold, Collaborate, Repeat
We can and should challenge our kids.
But, if we want them to succeed more than they want to succeed, their intrinsic motivation erodes.
They need to want it themselves. But how?
Build a relationship of teamwork and trust
If your kid says something is too hard, BELIEVE them! Remember Ross Greene’s guiding principle: “Kids do well if they can.”
The TV show Ted Lasso is a great example of this in action: gentle leadership through empathy and belief. (It’s a comedy about perseverance and doing your best, even if that isn’t enough to win.)
Coach Ted Lasso’s belief in his team, even when the odds are against them, is a powerful reminder to trust in your team’s potential. That trust alone can motivate and inspire them.
Of course, in this analogy, your family is your team, and you’re the coach.
Support and collaborate at their pace, checking in as you go. Getting all the work done is secondary. We may need to let that goal go if we want to address the underlying deficit of motivation.
Get buy-in and celebrate effort
When Ocean was younger, I learned the power of getting buy-in.
This small shift, from trying to enforce compliance to creating collaboration, helped us over countless homework hurdles and other challenges.
If something feels too hard to your kid, believe them.
Scale back until the effort feels doable, by asking questions like this:
Would you be willing to do ten minutes of the worksheet?
No? How about five?
No? How about two minutes of trying?
Yes? Wonderful!
Celebrate, and praise their effort after 2 minutes.
DON’T change the terms of the agreement.
If you agreed to a stretch goal at work, accomplished that, and then your boss immediately demanded more, how would you feel?
If your child wants to continue, great, but it has to come from them. The goal is to build their internal motivation and sense of agency, NOT to squeeze the post productivity out of them.
Keep Asking Motivational Questions
Patience and curiosity are your most powerful tools. Ask your kid,
“What’s hard about this?”
“What would help?”
These questions open doors instead of closing them. They tell your child:
“I believe you. I trust that you want to do well.”
For further reading:
‘The Explosive Child’ A New Approach For Understanding And Parenting Easily Frustrated, Chronically Inflexible Children by Dr. Ross Greene. I’ve heard that Raising Human Beings is even better, but I haven’t been able to get through it.
‘What Do You Say?’ How to Talk with Kids to Build Motivation, Stress Tolerance, and a Happy Home by William Stixrud PhD and, Ned Johnson. It’s good on Audible.
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