Birthday Party Disasters? How We Can Help Our Atypical Kids

Neurodivergent kids need preparation to navigate the celebrations that others take in stride.

“My kid was finally invited to a Birthday Party, we were both so excited, and it was…

…TERRIBLE.”

Photo by Lan Gao on Unsplash

Yup. We’ve Been There!

It’s painful when we’re longing for connection and celebration, but we can tell that our kid is suffering. On some occasions, I admit to wishing my kid would just for once behave like the others.

I remember wanting social time for myself during birthday parties, and always being frustrated and disappointed because my kid needed all my attention, and he STILL ended up having a meltdown. Sigh.

I’m hoping to brighten your birthday party blues and smooth the bumps a little.

I debriefed after every painful birthday party, trying to decipher the perfect formula. My husband thought I was ruminating, but I was really strategizing and growing my knowledge base.

Here’s how I kept my anxiety at a simmer…

How to ensure that you’re not ruminating when you debrief:

Ask yourself:

• Am I looping back to the same perceived failure repeatedly?

• Am I trying to control things that are out of my hands?

• Am I hyper-focused only on the negatives?

If any of these is happening, remember that at least two things are true. Your child had a hard time, AND they had a new experience! You felt sad to leave the party early, AND you devised a great pre-meltdown exit strategy!

Self-compassion is part of my parenting strategy.

What would you say to another parent going through the same thing you’re in the middle of now?

I’d throw my arms around her and squeeze. I’d tell her:

“Yeah, this is hard! Parties are supposed to be fun! WTF?!?!

“It’s okay to hide in the bathroom, it’s okay to bribe your kid with treats, it’s okay to leave early. Other kids throw things when they get overwhelmed too. There are other kids who can’t stand party hats or face paint. Honest.

“You’re a good parent who’s having a hard time. You’re not alone.”

We can learn from the good parts, too…

3 Things I Learned That Might Brighten Your Birthday Woes

1. Amplify the glimmers

Remember the good parts of each party, and remind your kid of them, especially before the next party. Being hyper-vigilant about an upcoming event can make it harder to stay regulated for both parents and kids. Do what you can to prepare, and at the same time talk with your kid about their successes, what they enjoyed, what went well. Recall the glimmers - and amplify them.

2. Surrender

There’s only so much we can change. I couldn’t control my kid’s mood. I couldn’t control who invited him, the venue, the number of kids, the noise or activities or treats. I couldn’t control the other kids’ behavior, and neither could their parents! In fact, the illusion of control over another human is the greatest obstacle to joy in parenting, as far as I’m concerned.

3. Control what you can

Here’s what I could control:

• I could prepare my kid by previewing general birthday party customs, reading books, and writing and reading social stories together.

• I could call the parent to get an idea of potential sensory triggers (just like the parent of a kid with an allergy might do). It’s okay to ask for accommodations!

• I could bring an extra adult along - IF that would help me.

• I could make sure the gift was extra thoughtful.

• I could arrive early to orient to the space.

• I could pack sensory tools like earmuffs and a fidget.

• I could be ready to leave before the going got tough.

Photo by Katie DelaVaughn

Resources I Recommend to Prep for B'day Parties:

Sensory Integration Strategies for Parents: SI at Home and School by Jeanne Sangirardi Ganz. An OT offers invaluable tips for overwhelming situations - like parties!

The New Social Story Book by Carol Gray. “A Social Story™ accurately describes a context, skill, achievement, or concept...” (As an amazon affiliate I earn from qualifying purchases.)

Here’s another thing I did to support Ocean’s party ‘cred’:

I curated memorable, inclusive events that his peers coveted invitations to.

That made it somewhat more likely that they would remember him with an invite when their birthday came around. And if not, at least he could look forward to one awesome party planned around his interests every year…

…and there were still meltdowns.

Comparison is the Thief of Joy

There will be other parties.

There may be fewer parties than other kids attend. It sucks to listen to other parents complain about getting too many party invites. This too shall pass.

In the case of birthday parties, and in general, I urge you not to compare your kid to their peers. That can lead to a world of pain. Instead, compare them to their past self.

One day, you’ll be buying a handful of teens movie tickets and popcorn, thinking “this is the last birthday party,” and then there will be one more invite, at a remote urban paintball venue, and you’ll drop your kid off and say, “Have fun!” with zero concern.

You’ve got this!

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Are You New Here? Thanks for Joining Our Movement!

Allow me to reintroduce myself…

I’m Kate Lynch (she/her), a somatic mindfulness coach on a mission to create a more inclusive world. Since 2002, I’ve supported thousands of highly sensitive parents to regulate their nervous systems so they can feel more grounded, confident, and relaxed. Widely known for my compassionate, nonjudgmental approach, I’m the author of the upcoming book, Atypical Kids, Mindful Parents: The joys and struggles of raising neurodivergent kids.

My little neurodiverse family lives in a magical land called Brooklyn.

I’d love to learn something about you in the comments…

Welcome to the intersection of mindful parenting and neurodiversity!

This newsletter is for parents of neurodivergent kids who want to feel more connected, calm, and present so they can enjoy raising their neurodivergent kids, and avoid parental burnout. Through self-compassion and mindfulness, we can transform our relationships, and create a kinder, more inclusive future!

If you breathe, you belong here.