They’re not just unpleasant events we can wish away or avoid with the perfect strategy. I used to think that if only I could get everything "just right," maybe I could prevent them from happening.
Navigating Meltdowns: A Parent’s Perspective
Meltdowns, particularly for our neurodivergent kids, are a way to release overwhelming feelings and tension.
I’ve gotten better at regulating myself through my son Ocean’s meltdowns.
With maturity, there are fewer meltdowns, and they’re shorter, but they do still happen. Ocean and I have also gotten better at the repair stage afterward. My focus is more on how we handle ourselves during these times, than about trying to stop them altogether.
Creating Supportive Conditions When We Can
So, what should we do? While we may not be able to completely prevent meltdowns, there are ways we can provide support for our kids that might reduce their intensity or frequency.
We can make small adjustments, like ensuring our kids are nourished and rested.
We can reduce demands right after school and during other transitions, keeping things as unhurried and smooth as is practical, without tiptoeing around our kids.
We can remember that a meltdown is an autonomic response of a nervous system in distress, not a behavior to be managed.
I recently interviewed Jamie Lynn Tatera of We Are in It Together for the new season of the podcast (which you’ll be able to listen to soon).
She talks about setting up conditions that support a balanced nervous system. For example, ensuring her daughter has a high-protein snack after school to stabilize her blood sugar levels before a meltdown can occur. She’s crafting environments that reduce the chances of a meltdown, although not eliminating them.
“If I'm worried she's going to have a meltdown, energetically, I'm priming her for a meltdown.”
The role our own nervous systems play.
Our kids pick up on our emotional cues, so if we’re anxious about an impending meltdown, chances are they’ll feel that too. Walking on eggshells around your family isn’t sustainable and won’t benefit anyone.
Instead, we need an ongoing practice of maintaining our own regulated nervous system so that we can co-regulate with theirs. This is real self-care, and includes ensuring that we stay hydrated and nourished, set boundaries that help us meet our own needs, and practice self-compassion.
Self-Compassion for the Rough Moments
Honestly, one of the most transformative practices I’ve found is self-compassion. As a parent, it’s easy to get wrapped up in guilt, self-criticism or uncertainty. During those tough moments, I try to remember to check in with myself.
Taking a cue from Jamie Lynn, I can begin practicing self-compassion breathing. She shares this simple practice on the podcast. Breathing in, I draw in some kindness for the struggle I feel. Breathing out, I extend that understanding to my child, acknowledging the difficulty they’re having. It’s about empathy and understanding, an exchange of compassion between ourselves and our children.
Jamie Lynn shared a personal story about her experiences learning self-compassion and how it translated into her parenting. Her daughter, who is neurodivergent, would have big meltdowns as a young child. Like many of us, Jamie Lynn thought applying the right strategies could make these moments better. But what helped her the most was learning self-compassion.
A Story of Shared Struggles and Resilience
Jamie Lynn also shared an inspiring story from Kristin Neff, who spoke about managing a meltdown on an airplane. It illustrates how our inner calm can sometimes regulate a child more effectively than direct intervention. In these moments, it's less about what you do and more about how you are with your child. Sometimes, expressing that you’re creating some space to feel your emotions can transform the experience.
Sometimes, however, a gesture like turning inward to tend to your heart (while your child is suffering) can backfire. Your child may feel that you are distant or unsympathetic to their experience. So get curious and see how your child is reacting when you turn toward your own suffering. Of course self-compassion can be practiced in more subtle ways.
The self-compassion breathing above is a great practice to stay connected with your kid.
The 3 Pillars of Self-Compassion, Applied to Meltdowns:
Remember, a meltdown may feel like it is eternal, but the storm will pass.
Think of another parent in your situation — how would you comfort that parent?
Finally, send those kind, comforting words to yourself. Say them aloud if you can.
Learning and Growing Together
Every meltdown brings us an opportunity to learn and grow as parents. I’ve never once prevented a meltdown, nor is it my goal anymore. Instead, I focus on building a stronger connection with myself, and with Ocean. He and I have had some of our best conversations post-meltdown, which is where the real magic happens.
Meltdowns don’t define our kids, or our parenting. As Jennifer Natalya Fink says in another upcoming podcast, “Nobody wants to be defined by their worst moments.” Let’s not define our kids by what they do when they are at their most dysregulated, because we know that they are so much more.
Jennifer and I also discuss the dreaded PUBLIC MELTDOWN. Nobody’s idea of a good time; it can help to have some one-liners in your toolkit just in case.
I remind myself often that this emotional work of parenting, while unpaid and mostly invisible, is important. We’re growing alongside our kids, and no one gets it right all the time. I remind myself, “You're not perfect, and you're not supposed to be.”
Understanding Meltdowns in Neurodiverse Families
For kids who are highly sensitive, misunderstood, or unable to express their feelings and needs through language, our world (which isn’t built for their needs) can easily be overwhelming. They express their overwhelm like a kettle that has build up steam.
As a highly sensitive parent, my inner harmony and sense of safety come unraveled when confronted with loud and sharp noises, unexpected demands, and aggression.
I often felt like the only thing I could do was lie on the floor in a puddle. But I had to build resilience and learn strategies, because my son needed me. Before I got better at regulating myself through his meltdowns, I would have an emotional hangover for days afterwards.
The problem was, when Ocean was young, there weren’t days between meltdowns. Sometimes, there weren’t even hours. I was barely hanging on to my mental health. So much of my energy was going toward trying to create the conditions to avoid his violent outbursts and screaming that I was on edge all the time. Of course he picked up on my tension and that actually made his meltdowns more likely and my raw nerves more brittle.
When he was about 4, I began to recall my mindfulness training, and reframed my role during these tempests as more of a guide through the storm. It was revolutionary. My job wasn’t to stop meltdowns. In fact, it was a bit silly to think I could make a storm simply cease its storming. We just had to batten down the hatches and wait it out. Meanwhile, we’re building resilience.
Jamie Lynn agrees that our nervous systems play a significant role. “If I'm worried she's going to have a meltdown, energetically, I'm priming her for a meltdown,” she points out on the podcast.
We’re In This Together
Parenting is hard, especially when it feels like you’re navigating it alone. But by sharing our stories and opening up about our challenges, we can support each other. And that’s what this community is about—knowing we’re not alone and continuing to show up for our kids in the best way we can.
Let’s keep embracing these moments, finding compassion for ourselves and our children, and acknowledging that we’re all doing the best we can. We’re on this journey together, and that can be the difference between barely surviving and thriving as a parent.
Jamie Lynn and I want to emphasize this important message:
You’re not alone, and you’re doing an amazing job.
“Know you're not perfect and you're not supposed to be,” Jamie Lynn Tatera assures. Meltdowns, while challenging, are part of a larger growth journey for you and your family. Embrace your imperfections, trusting that you are, and always have been, the parent your child needs.
Meltdowns in themselves are not the enemy; they are moments, though difficult, that pave the way for resilience and connection. By grounding ourselves in compassion and understanding, and maintaining a steady, grounded presence, we nurture both our children and ourselves towards a kinder, more resilient future.
So, let's walk this path together, finding strength in shared stories and experiences. You’ve got this, and you’re certainly not alone.
Look out for the new season of the podcast that I’m publishing soon.
The episode with Jamie Lynn is all about building resilience and self-compassion in our kids. The episode with Jennifer is all about encouraging positive identity by creating community for ourselves and our kids.