"How do you support kids in growing and changing without shame?"
I love this question!
Mindful Parenting Starts With Self-Empathy
When my son does something destructive, like smashing his iPad, everything in me wants to react with a more powerful show of aggression so that he can finally understand how wrong it is to break things.
But, wait a moment...
If I believe kids do well if they can, then I must believe that he couldn't have done any better. He could not tolerate his frustration in that moment.
Can I sit with my own frustration without scratching the itch to overpower my kid? To punish? Or am I also incapable of doing any better?
He's already upset, worried, descending into shame.
The only way I’ll reach him is empathy. First, I ground in self-empathy. It sucks that I have to add getting his device fixed to my long list, and I'm scared he won't ever learn to tolerate his frustration. I let myself feel that.
Then I considered, what do I need? In that context I needed to feel partnered and respected. When he immediately offered to pay for the repair, my need was met. Empathy for his suffering spontaneously became available, and I could reach in and pull him from the quicksand of shame. We came up with a plan to solve the problem together.
When I tend to myself first, I can be more present in my relationships.
When I rush in to fix others’ problems, I lose my grounded center.
When someone I love is feeling shame, I first notice what's true in my own body. The hot flush that starts in my gut. The knot in my throat that silences me. The primal ache to be let back into the fold. The panic. The desperation to do anything to appease and make myself acceptable. The residue of generations of appeasement.
Shame is visceral, and its evolutionary function was survival.
Connection reverses shame. That includes a willingness to be truly vulnerable.
I ask myself:
How am I feeling?
What do I need?
Back to kids...
When I can feel into the shame and figure out what that ashamed part of me needs, I can model giving that to myself, and then narrate my process with my kid.
When I internalize and apply growth mindset myself, my son pays attention. We have to embody the changes in ourselves before we can lead our kids through them. They can see what's possible, and when they're willing, we can show them the steps. I love anything growth mindset, it has helped me overcome my perfectionist tendencies.
Where do you start? Try this affirmation:
"Mistakes make us better if we learn from them."
Perfectionism is Cultural and Generational - and Dehumanizing
I come from a long line of perfectionists, and I'm not proud of that heritage. Expecting perfection from ourselves or others is dehumanizing because every human will eventually make a mistake. If we have, perfectionism causes us to try to hide so we won’t be shunned. If we haven’t yet, we live in fear of making one and being found out.
Tolerating mistakes in ourselves and others (in that order) is honest and liberating.
That's why I see self-acceptance as the first and most essential step to supporting our kids without shame. I think it's also why parents say I create judgment-free space for them to go deep into healing. Hopefully you’ll join us next month for online mindful parent coaching group, one of the perks of being a paid subscriber here.
I write about shame a lot. It’s tangled up with ableism…
Kate, I have written very similar things in the past but today I really needed to read them. Such beautiful reminders. Thank you!