Happy Autism Awareness-Acceptance-Appreciation Month!
This popular episode (from the archives of 2020 when Ocean was in 5th grade) is worth a listen for the honest perspective of an autistic kid who can, and does, advocate for himself.
Ocean has some thoughts on parents telling their kid their diagnosis…
Hearing that little high voice compared to the deep one he has now, I'm almost nostalgic...
...but not really!
This is an open-hearted conversation with my son, Ocean, who shared his perspectives on parenting children with autism.
He offered simple, logical suggestions about parenting anyone, really, in a mindful, observant, and collaborative way.
Ocean brings an honest viewpoint to the importance of acknowledging each autistic child's individuality rather than relying on generic advice. He stresses the value of observing and participating in what interests young children to support their growth, and emphasizes direct communication with older kids to establish their needs and preferences. (Of course developmental age varies and communication styles vary.)
We also explore the sensitive topic of when to disclose an autism diagnosis to a child, with Ocean advocating for immediate openness once parents become aware.
Additionally, we touch upon a relatable struggle for many families: Ocean's aversion to buttons, offering a candid look at parenting decisions and accommodations.
He has strong feelings about the way his ABA Pre-K tried to deal with his aversion to snaps and buttons. He did look adorable at his Aunt's wedding, but he definitely was NOT wearing a tie.
Finally, I’ll guide you through a mindfulness practice, because parents need tools to stay present. Especially if you’re like me and the millions of other parents who feel guilty from time to time. Ruminating about the past or expecting ourselves to be perfect parents isn't helpful. Befriend the feelings, learn from past experiences, create a more compassionate future.
This episode is not only a window into the world of parenting atypical kids but also a reminder of the power of mindful presence in our daily lives.
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Transcript:
Kate: Do you long to embody mindfulness and compassion in your parenting life? Yeah. Me too. Welcome to Mindfully Parenting Atypical Kids. Let's go on this journey together.
Hi, parents. This is another candid conversation with my son who has strong opinions about parenting people with autism, which is not surprising. And I just wanna put it out there as you're listening to this that each family has its own journey. Right? And this is his opinion.
He has opinions about disclosure and diagnosis, and he definitely has opinions about buttons. So for me, as I get better at communication with everyone in my life, The temptation is to go back and ruminate on what I've done wrong in those relationships. And, yes, I can learn, but I have to be careful not to go down a shame spiral.
Guilt is knowing that we have we are good people. We've done something wrong. Shame, on the other hand, is thinking I've done something wrong which means I'm a bad person. Never helpful to be in shame. We always have the opportunity to grow and change.
So take this advice with a little bit of perspective and understand where your family is at. I'll come back at the end to offer a little practice. Enjoy the conversation.
Kate: So what suggestions would you have for parents of kids who are starting kindergarten in the Nest program?
Ocean: Well, you don't just find out that your kid has autism and then search up a video on YouTube saying how to parent your kid with autism. No. What? What? Complete autism. All kids with autism are unique. Very unique. Mhmm. Autism isn’t just one thing.
Kate: Tell me more about that.
Ocean: Well, what kind of more do you want?
Kate: So you think the parents should ask their kids?
Ocean: What's good for them? Yes. Mhmm. And if the kids, like, under 4 or something like that, then then just, like, watch what your kids are doing. And just, like, see what they're doing. And notice how you could help by what they're doing.
Kate: So, like, do it with them? Like, join them in what they're doing?
Ocean: Mhmm. So that's my advice. What else? Oh. What if they're older? If they're older, then ask them. Okay. Ask them what they would like, and then you make an agreement, like, if they're above 4.
Kate: And when do you think that parents should tell their kids that they have autism if they know?
Ocean: Right when they find out. I don't think that they should be waiting 3 years like you did them.
Kate: Like I did. Yeah. I probably got some bad advice, but at least now we're we're telling other parents things that can help them not make the same mistakes that I made. Yeah. Any other things, mistakes that I made that you want other parents to not make?
Ocean: Well, tell them the thing about the buttons.
Kate: Tell them the thing about the buttons? I asked the the pre k teachers if they could help with your aversion to buttons, with your not liking buttons, if they can help you get more comfortable with buttons.
Ocean: I mean, like, it doesn't cost your life to wear buttons.
Kate: It's not a big deal. But it is sometimes hard to find pants and jeans and coats. And dress clothes for, like, going to a wedding that don't have buttons.
Ocean: Mhmm. Yeah.
Kate: It you know, it's it's inconvenient. But it's not a big deal.
Ocean: If one of my aunts or uncles gets married, I would not very like it, but I would wear, a shirt with a tie if they wanted to.
Kate: Wow. That's really big of you.
Ocean: I mean, like, I did that at one of my aunt's wedding.
Kate: Yeah. You wore you wore a polo shirt, and we cut off the buttons. Mhmm. Yeah. And you looked really nice.
Ocean: Thanks.
Kate: So here's a simple mindfulness practice to bring yourself back into the present moment if you're ruminating on the past in order to anticipate the future.
Look around and find 5 things you can see. Make a list in your mind knowing there's not gonna be a quiz. Once you got those five things, let your eyelids soften enough that you can focus on your hearing. And make a list in your mind of 4 things you can hear, near and far. Then start to notice your skin and what you sense on your skin. Three things, the breeze, your clothing, the ground beneath you. And 2 things you can smell, nonjudgmental awareness. And one thing you can taste.
Now, this is something you don't need to set aside extra time for. Right? You could do this while you're doing other things. You can be present in the world, doing what you need to do as a parent, as a person, and at the same time, practice mindfulness.
And once we are settled in the present moment, then we might be able to reflect on our past choices with some detachment. And then, certainly, we can learn how to do things differently in the future if that's required. May whatever arises in our lives deepen our compassion. Thank you.
Thank you for joining Mindfully Parenting Atypical Kids. I really appreciate you walking alongside me.
This is so lovely, Ocean has some great advice. I really love this model of asking our kids for their perpective and experiences. It informs our parenting, helps us respond to their needs, and teaches them that they are worthy of being heard, that they can cause change. Thank you!