Holiday gatherings can be absolutely draining for neurodiverse families.
ADDitude Magazine recently reached out asking how families like ours are navigating difficult conversations this year, particularly with autism in the news again.
“We’re thinking about how our community navigates gatherings when difficult family members are present… especially in light of the administration’s incessant attacks on autism over the past year.”
She asked me to share how I’ll navigate conversations with people committed to misunderstanding neurodivergence.
How do YOU stay grounded while navigating insensitive comments from relatives during holiday gatherings?
This is the reality for many of us:
outdated beliefs (recently unearthed)
unsolicited parenting opinions
comments about “manners”
pressure to socialize more than we can
toxic positivity (“He seems fine to me!”)
6 minute thank you, pep talk, and strategies for a neurodiversity-affirming holiday...
First of all, I’m really lucky
My family has learned a lot about neurodiversity over the years, and is largely aligned politically. Do comments still slip out? Yes. Sometimes a comment will slip out about table manners, or a look will pass between aunties, or someone will expect more socializing than we can handle.
But because we’ve built a foundation of communication and repair, we find our way back to understanding. It’s a gift, and it didn’t happen overnight.
Second, trust that they mean well
I tend to believe everyone is doing the best they can under the circumstances. Do I wish some people would think a bit before they open their mouths? YES. But since they can’t, and I can’t change them, I trust that they are really doing their best.
I try to hold the most generous interpretation of their intentions, even if the impact of their words is harm. If they were truly malicious, I wouldn’t care what they thought, and I wouldn’t allow my family to be in the same room as them.
Third, you CAN just say “no thanks”
When we visit my husband’s family, it’s different. We’ve had to be clear in advance about what’s appropriate to discuss and what’s off limits if we want any sense of serenity.
The current political climate is one of many reasons we’ve chosen not to visit them this year. Take a break if you need one. It’s been a hard year!
You’re an adult and don’t need anyone’s permission to opt out of gatherings where your family will not be emotionally safe.
1. Educate
Before anything else, I want to name that education is emotional labor, especially when you’re raising a neurodivergent child. I’ve done a lot of educating around neurodiversity within my circle over the years, and I’m grateful to have close family members who try to understand.
Sometimes, education isn’t practical. What else can we do?
Not right now
If someone asks an “innocent question” or for my “opinion” about something that impacts my family directly, they may truly not have thought about the issue as much as I have.
I’d rather have the more emotionally charged conversations in advance, on another day, and out of earshot of my kid, if I can help it.
Play hot potato
You can try to ward off ignorant comments with a quick group email or a scientific, fact-checked article. But the inconsiderate uncle who makes the questionable comment is the same one who won’t bother to read your email. In that case, you can say, “Let’s discuss that topic another time. What’s the score of the football game?” It can feel like a game of hot potato, trying to change the subject before anyone gets burned. Ouch!
2. Regulate Your Nervous System
This is a non-negotiable for ME, not my kid. When I can maintain inner safety, everything else feels like less of a threat.
I can always talk to my kid later about what uncle so-and-so said. I can ask,
“What do you think about that?”
We often end up laughing later at how absurd a comment was.
When I’m grounded, it’s just misguided blather. When I’m triggered, my nervous system will believe practically anything is dangerous.
Insensitive words aren’t an emergency. They may sting, but they’re not dangerous. Regulating my own nervous system changes everything.
3. Practice Boundaries
Boundaries are about what we do — not what we force others to do.
I’ve gotten better at this through practice. If someone brings up something inappropriate, I’ll:
jump up and get something from the kitchen
brazenly change the subject
silently stare blankly at them, letting my face answer
Yes, I get surprised sometimes. A family friend drops an inappropriate bomb, and I feel the heat rise in my cheeks.
The goal isn’t perfection. It’s protection.
4. Preview
Many neurodivergent people benefit from priming
It can be really helpful to see a visual preview or sequence of events in advance of a new experience. For example:
a social story
a checklist
a calendar
Think of it like seeing the trailer before watching a movie. Surprises aren’t ideal for many of our kids.
If certain topics are likely to come up, we can strategize in advance:
topic shifts
scripts and simple comebacks
quick escapes
Preparation isn’t pessimistic. It’s supportive.
5. Repair
I give myself grace. I’m also doing my best. I can be a downright vicious mama bear. Which is often necessary… AND sometimes I go too far. It’s okay.
I’d rather my kid feel supported than cater to the comfort of an adult who isn’t acting respectfully.
Later, I can check in with the adult and my kid separately. I can repair.
Repair doesn’t always mean apologizing.
Sometimes it means clarifying.
Sometimes it means reconnecting.
Sometimes it means laughing or venting with other parents who get it.
The Bottom Line
I’m advocating every day — at school, at home, in community.
I’m allowed a break for the holiday too.
When comments come up that reflect misunderstanding or bias, I remind myself:
This isn’t an emergency
I can respond or not
I can prepare before, support during, and repair after
Being human is messy.
Whatever happens, you can still protect your peace — and your child’s
Happy holidays, however you spend them!
“You always offer such helpful information to me as a Mom, and you help me understand my adult child who is a HSP. I really appreciate you!”
-Grace G.
Ready for deeper, more personal support in staying grounded through the hard moments?
My Parent Coaching Series is designed to help you strengthen connection, communication, and self-compassion. These are skills that grow with your family over time. 1-1 support is available now, and rates will increase at the end of the year.
A kinder future for our kids begins with kindness toward ourselves.