When I was asked to speak at a parenting summit, I thought I was going to explain how to help a neurodivergent child become a confident self-advocate.
But the more I thought about Ocean, the more I realized that self-advocacy begins much earlier than I once understood.
The foundation may begin before a child can communicate.
Long before they explain what they need at school.
Long before they ask for an accommodation.
Sometimes It Begins With a Winter Coat
The winter Ocean turned 3, he suddenly couldn’t tolerate buttons or snaps.
That eliminated half his wardrobe overnight, including his winter coat.
Every attempt to put it on ended in a meltdown. His preschool teachers had no luck either. It would have been easy to see it as a behavior problem. An inconvenience. A silly power struggle.
It was cold out, and we live in the city. We walk most places, so we really couldn’t go anywhere. I felt stuck, and frustration turned into despair.
Eventually, I found a parent giving away a coat with just a zipper. No snaps, no buttons. No judgment, no questions. Ocean happily wore it for the rest of the winter.
Poof! Just like that, no more battles.
A dozen years later, he still prefers sweatpants and never wears jeans. But he’s worn a suit to each of his aunties’ weddings and his friend’s bar mitzvah. I stopped worrying that accommodations would limit him when I realized they were giving him the space to become more fully himself.
That Shift Changed the Way I Parent
I started asking a different question.
Not: “How do I make this stop?”
But: “What is my child trying to tell me?”
That question doesn’t magically solve every hard moment. Sometimes I still don’t know the answer. But it creates a pause, and sometimes a pause is enough to help us move from urgency to curiosity.
I think that’s where confident self-advocacy begins.
Not with having the perfect words. Not even with speaking.
With knowing yourself.
With discovering that your needs matter. With being understood deeply enough that, over time, you can begin to understand yourself.
I explored these ideas, along with some very personal stories from my own parenting journey, in my presentation for the TraumaWise Parenting Summit:
How Do I Help My Neurodivergent Child Become a Confident Self-Advocate?
(If you weren’t able to attend the summit, I’ve made the video available below for paid subscribers.)
One Tiny Practice For This Week
You don’t need to change anything about your parenting today.
Just try this: The next time your child’s behavior confuses, frustrates, or worries you, pause before you respond.
Take one breath.
And ask yourself:
“What is my child trying to tell me?”
You may not know.
That’s okay! The practice isn’t finding the right answer. It’s getting curious, and remembering that there may be more going on than you can see.
If you’re parenting a neurodivergent child, you’re carrying so much. I hope you can bring this one little practice with you into your week.
Welcome! Thank you for visiting.
I’m Kate, and I’m grateful our paths have crossed.
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Together, we can create a kinder, more compassionate path forward for ourselves and our kids. I’d love to walk alongside you.
A kinder future for our kids begins with kindness toward ourselves.
