The other day I got an email from the one and only Debbie Reber of TILT Parenting. The subject was:
“Is there a place for guilt in parenting?”
If you’ve been here for a while, you know I love this topic, and it aligns with Jamie Lynn Tatera’s podcast episode on Self-Compassion, which I believe is the antidote to so many parenting hurdles - such as guilt and shame.
“Guilt is helpful here if it leads me to the doorway of curiosity.”
-Jamie Lynn Tatera
Enter the Giveaway for Jamie Lynn’s Mindfulness and Self-Compassion Workbook for Kids here!
Guilt is a sign we’re out of alignment with our values.
Shame is feeling, “I am beyond hope.”
To work on my parenting skills, I need to first acknowledge my challenges as a parent, then believe I have a choice and the capacity to do better.
But, I don’t know if guilt should be excised entirely from parenting.
Here’s the email exchange with Debbie, shared with permission:
The parenting paradigm we’re operating under thrives on "guilt mongering."
I asked parents to consider just what might be possible if fear and guilt were no longer part of our parenting equation and if we could support our children from a place of security, confidence, and genuine peace?
Unfortunately guilt is still as much a part of parenting as ever.
Every year, a handful of high-profile books seem to tout new conversations highlighting where parents are getting it wrong, triggering anxiety and fear that lead to self-doubt and regret over where we messed up, what we should have done better — reinforcing the idea that we're to blame if our child is in any way struggling.
I've said it before and I'll say it again: There's no room for guilt in parenting.
Guilt keeps us stuck in the past, when what our kids need from us is to be present—right here, right now. They don’t need perfect parents; they need engaged, attuned, and growing ones.
This is so important. What do you think about the difference between guilt and shame? So many of us are socialized to be people pleasers, and the feelings of discomfort are not really guilt, but trouble tolerating other people’s discomfort.
Guilt at its best is a sign we’re out of alignment with our values.
I feel guilt when I yell at Ocean. Then I repair with him and let it go, while also figuring out how to yell less often in the future - because yelling means I am out of line with my core value of respect.
Shame would stick to me, a feeling that I’ll never be able to speak calmly when we have a disagreement, when I’m triggered. That I am beyond hope, a bad mom. That would lead me to isolate and avoid trying to do better.
To work on my parenting skills, I need to first know see my challenges as a parent, then believe I have a choice and the capacity to do better. Shame takes that belief in ourselves away. But I don’t know if guilt should be excised entirely from parenting.
Debbie:
I think I see guilt and shame pretty similarly as you do, yes. When I think of guilt, I think about getting stuck in cycles of self-blame or beating oneself up for not doing "better" or making decisions one comes to regret, and so on. I do agree that there is learning in regret (what Dan Pink wrote his last book about) but it's the lingering in the guilt that I find unproductive. I too feel that the information we get from our emotions / bodies that lets us know we're out of alignment is information we can use to repair or re-calibrate.
Kate:
I guess parenting is so primal that the feeling we could be doing it wrong triggers a survival response. I’ve seen parents in groups in that exact moment when their eyes go cold and I know instantly that they won’t be coming back.
What has helped me is to embrace it (guilt), like labeling myself Bad Mom, or remembering that ‘Good Enough Parenting’ is actually my goal.
Next, I took the question to the Substack community!
Maybe it is helpful to distinguish types of guilt?
A lot of what I think gets described as guilt (mom guilt, in particular) is not living up to unrealistic (or socially-imposed) expectations. I think we would all do better to let go of that type of “guilt.” But continuing to learn and recognize when we’ve made mistakes based on our own values or caused harm, that is the essence of parenting.
Kate:
Yeah, the one parenting skill I’ve really mastered is repair! 😂 Pressure and self-blame are so culturally driven, and I’ve found both reparenting work and disability advocacy really helpful to untangle my “shoulds.”
I think guilt is a red flag that we've gone off course or made a mistake with our kids, which of course is entirely human. The important thing is not to let guilt devolve into shame in which we berate ourselves for these mistakes. Honestly, I would be more concerned about parents who never feel guilt!
I view guilt as “I did something bad” and shame as “I am bad.” Of course, “bad” is relative and I love your reframe of guilt being a signal that we are out of alignment with our values. Viewed as misalignment, I think guilt is helpful if we can stop it from slipping into shame. We are human but when it comes to parenting, we care so deeply that we feel intense anxiety about making mistakes.
It takes practice to register guilt as a helpful part of course correction rather than absorbing it into a shame spiral.
Lots of good stuff already said. A few important thoughts:
I need to get clear on MY values. What do I value most (for myself, for my kids, and in my parenting)? And am I living in accord with those values? If not, guilt can be an important nudge that I need to regroup and make some shifts.
Are my kids’ needs being met? If not, I want to get curious about how my kids’ needs can be met more effectively. This might not mean that I personally need do more. In fact, it might mean that I need to find more resources (including other humans) that can help meet my kids’ needs. Guilt is helpful here if it leads me to the doorway of curiosity.
Do I recognize that I am imperfect, my children are imperfect, and life is imperfect? If not, I need tender self-compassion to recognize that ultimately it’s all an imperfect mess, and we need to hold this mess (including the imperfect humans) with great compassion.
If I really am sucking royally in some way, hopefully my guilt can help me get curious about WHAT I NEED in order to do better. Do I need more parenting resources? Do I need a friend to check in with? Or do I need to do more for myself? This type of curiosity can lead to empowered action and fierce self-compassion. Asking myself what I need, and how I can avail myself to that support will help me actually make changes if change is required.
Guilt is sometimes a sign that we are telling ourselves a story about who or what is in control. I.e., “I was in control of this and therefore the outcome is my fault. The outcome was bad and thus I am bad.”
Sometimes this story protects us from a story that would be kinder to us and more liberating and true generally, but it’s one that terrifies us: “I was not in control of this. Humans aren’t in control of very much, and most humans don’t wield influence over major events on an individual level.” We don’t like to think about that as parents, because it means we can’t protect our kids from everything.
Of course, sometimes we do just f@#$ up. But I’d wager that the kinds of people who are reading your work are trying their best not to. So the kinder truer story here might also be, “Even if I didn’t behave ideally, there were likely other things influencing my behavior that led to me acting outside of my integrity that were unusual or not under my control. I get to try again.”
It can be scary or even paralyzing to think, “Wow, but now I have to try again in a universe in which I am perhaps less significant or well-behaved or knowledgeable than I thought I was.” So even more resistance comes up.
Beyond that is something like this:
“I live in a universe in which I have very little control over what happens... But it’s still a universe in which every action I take has great meaning, because I’m modeling how to behave with integrity and learn as I go… Good thing I have the rest of my life to work on it.”
💥 Now I want to hear from you. What’s your perspective?
Why can’t we admit that we have room to grow as parents, without being flooded with shut-down level feelings? Have you tried self-compassion or growth mindset?
There are no wrong answers here! What has helped you sit with the discomfort of imperfect parenting? C’mon, be honest. You can DM me if you prefer…
For Further Discussion On Parent Guilt & Shame:
I’ve removed the paywall on these 5 posts to encourage more dialogue.
If you want to upgrade to paid, I always appreciate the support!
