While we’ve been focused on holiday stress and anxiety all month, this is a more personal post, and I’d love to hear back from you if any of this resonates.
My whole body is feeling it: a general unsettled feeling in my joints, on my skin, in my heart and gut.
There’s so much to do.
My childhood expectations merge with my parenting desires.
A week without structure is coming… 😱
We’re here at Atypical Kids, Mindful Parents because we want to support our kids, but a huge part of being good at that is in how we support ourselves. Stop judging yourself for being human! Take a breath, join me, and I promise to keep it brief and helpful…
Pause and ask yourself these 2 questions:
How am I really feeling?
What do I most need right now?
This is self-empathy in a nutshell. Here’s how it helps:
As an HSP and empath, I absorb other people’s feelings, so I need alone time to differentiate my own feelings from my family’s, and to figure out what I need. During the holidays, I don’t get as much space, but returning to these 2 questions helps me regulate my emotions fast.
“HSPs… absorb everyone else’s energy, words and emotions and feel heavy and dampened by them. We may internalize other people’s emotions to such an extent that their feelings obscure and replace ours.
“While our empathy is powerful and helps make the world a kinder place, our thoughts and emotions as individuals are precious too. We need to ensure that we make space for and validate them… and empathize with ourselves too.”
-Ann Harikeerthan, ”This Is Why You Absorb Other People’s Emotions, According to Science”
Protect your family’s need to recharge by respecting “do nothing time.”
As someone with Generalized Anxiety, I WANT to do everything. I used to TRY to do everything, but it wasn’t fun and I got cranky. Now, I’m much kinder to myself, which means I can be kinder and more authentic with others. I’m aware of my limits, and I’m selective. I say yes to fewer activities, and enjoy the ones I do attend more. I plan activities for my family, so they can go have fun while I stay home.
I give myself grace.
If you have trouble saying no to holiday requests, here are 4 scripts :
“Here are some polite, assertive, and empathetic responses… to set boundaries while managing expectations during the holiday season. As always, please use these scripts as a guide and foundation to create your own responses in your voice. You can control what you say and how you say it. You cannot control how these messages are received.”
"I’d love to help, but I’m at capacity right now."
"I appreciate you thinking of me, but I need to focus on______ this year."
"That sounds wonderful, but I have to say no this time."
"Thank you for inviting me! I can’t make it, but I hope you have an amazing time."
-Whitney Goodman, LMFT, “Calling Home”
Here Are 3 Things I'm Doing to Care for My Sensitivity and Anxiety Now
Plan to Recharge
I draw (or print) a calendar for the time off school and sit down with my family to slot in social time, “no demand time,” and time in nature. This helps us visualize the time, and we’re more likely to be on the same page and protect our plan (see above). I know when my sensory system will get a break, and that takes the edge off the anxiety and overwhelm.
This goes for my kid, too. There’s going to be more screen time, but we’ll be in agreement on the edges of it. It’s okay to check out sometimes, especially if we plan it - rather than falling asleep face first in the mashed potatoes.
Practice Self-Compassion
This may sound fluffy, but self-compassion is a serious mindfulness practice that takes effort and willingness to sit with discomfort, if only for a breath or two. Being self-compassionate doesn’t take anything away from others, I promise. When we’re triggered during holiday interactions with our family, it can help. The RAIN acronym resonates with me and many students:
Recognize the hurt. We all hurt sometimes.
Allow it to be here. This feeling belongs - validate it.
Investigate what it feels like in your body. Ask what the feeling needs.
Nurture yourself. What would you tell your best friend?
Check It Off
This is an Executive Function hack that really helps me: checkboxes! When I physically put a check in a box, it gives me that little dopamine boost I need to tackle the next thing I’ve been procrastinating. I do it on my paper planner and on the lists I write digitally too. I do it for Ocean on a post-it that he can check off himself.
I can’t say it’s been effective for the Post Office and other things I’m truly dreading. 😱 Any advice on that?
Did any of this resonate? What are you looking forward to over the holidays?
I’m recovering from a few hard events in the past six months and had been looking forward to the holidays as a magical time to properly rest and recharge. Except that the heavy emotions and challenging thoughts are still there, not shifting. So now a little panic is starting to rise in my chest that I’ll waste this precious quiet spell in rumination and nothing will feel better by January 6th. Reading your piece has given me some practical pointers of how to soothe my frazzled core and actually not fight the feelings - they’re there for a reason. Thank you for the words.