Watching my son as a preschooler at the playground across from our house was stressful. It was one of the first clues I had that he might have developmental delays beyond physical gross motor skills. Ocean didn’t know how to interact with, or what to say to, other kids. He didn’t understand their way of playing. I wanted to fix it for him, and I couldn’t.
He’s twelve now. A few years ago, he told me, “My real friends accept me no matter what I do, and they always will.” I breathed such a sigh of relief, remembering the pain we both felt when he didn’t know what to do to make a friend.
He had to learn friendship explicitly. He’s in an integrated school setting within a program designed for kids like him. Since kindergarten, he has been pulled out with his autistic peers several times a week to learn those skills in a fun and bonding environment. Guess who his friends are to this day?
We also took classes in friendship at NYU Child Study Center. Their program included a required parent training at the same time as the group for kids. We were asked to report back on the week’s homework, facilitate phone calls, and practice scripts with our kids. We were taught how to support them in their efforts. Down the hall, a handful of brave grad students were gamifying practical social skills amid controlled chaos.
The kids were accepted into the program because they were motivated. Autistic adults may disagree on the importance of teaching autistic kids friendship skills, and I can understand why. I don’t want our neurodivergent kids to be taught arbitrary neurotypical skills. I don’t care if they make eye contact or small talk. They don’t have to overextend their social energy if they really need alone time.
I would never force any kid to try to make a friend. That wasn’t our experience, though. My son was struggling and longing for connection.
He never asked for play dates, but I saw how happy he was when I arranged time with other kids. It was clear he wanted to connect. He was longing for other kids. In a poem by Adrienne Parkhurst, she says, “You already belong to a tribe of four. We loved you from the day you were born.” Our family is a tribe of three. As an only child, friends are even more important for him.
My son was very motivated to connect with other kids; he just didn’t know how. He was delayed in his friendship skills and lacked confidence and information. Understanding the perspective of another person has always been a challenge for him. He didn’t have an instinct for whom to approach, and after a few misfires, he would withdraw and give up.
"He never asked for play dates, but I saw how happy he was when I arranged time with other kids. It was clear he wanted to connect."
-Kate Lynch
As they got older, kids could tell he was different— but it wasn’t obvious how. He was just quirky enough to become an object of curiosity rather than a friend. I remember a 4 year old in childcare asking me why he jumps all the time. I suggested that she ask him. He answered, “Because I’m excited!” And that was that. If only all judgment could be explained away so easily.
He was lucky to have cousins who lived nearby and the children of a few of my friends—the ones who stuck with us. The first big crisis came when my son started preschool. He was overwhelmed and in distress a great deal of the time, even though the group of kids was small and the caregivers were loving. That’s when we found out that he had extreme sensory avoidance. He also needed help with social development and communication with peers.
In kindergarten, Ocean entered a program embedded within New York City public schools called the ASD Nest Program. It combines inclusion with neurotypical peers and social development in a small group with a speech therapist.
The program also offers monthly parent coaching. During the first parent group I attended, I felt relief. The empathy, wisdom, and understanding of the parents of older kids in the program healed scars of isolation in me that I hadn’t even known were there. That is when I discovered the profound impact of having a community of parents who understand, which ultimately led to starting this community on substack.
The inclusion program impacted the culture of the whole school, creating a cozy nest for my son to grow his self-identity and advocacy while being truly accepted for exactly who he is. Social development intervention was baked into the curriculum five days a week. We still felt the need for the extra friendship education after school.
Friends are fun, but they are also protective. A neurodivergent child needs friends even more than a neurotypical kid who can blend in. Neurodivergent people tend to stand out. They can become targets of those looking for amusement or power, AKA “bullies.” There is strength in numbers.
“I know they’re out there. Working on themselves. Feeling lonely. Struggling to find their people too. This is why, when you find them, you’ll cherish them. As will I.”
My Tips for Helping Autistic Kids Make Friends
It’s okay for parents of young children to start things off with new kids; just check with your kid before you jump in and start helping. If they don’t have language to tell you explicitly, check their body language and check your gut. You probably know deep down what they want. Ask yourself, “Is my urge to intervene truly coming from their longing to connect with those particular kids, or is it coming from my anxiety that my child may never have friends?”
Ground yourself in the present. What’s happening at this moment? Does your child actually want to play the game, or are they content to watch?
Model the courage it takes to approach someone new. You can say “Hi” to the parent of a potential playground friend and strike up a conversation. (OMG I am NOT good at this!!! Ocean makes new friends when he’s with his dad or grandma.)
Scripts can be tricky but a good start. You can remind your child that they can say “Hi” to another kid, but try not to rely too heavily on verbal invitations to play. Honestly, most typical kids just start playing together at the playground without talking about it first. If they do talk, it is often something that seems nonsensical to adults.
"Honestly, most typical kids just start playing together at the playground without talking about it first."
-Kate Lynch
Choose potential friends for them at first. It is better if the other kid is on their own too. Look for younger kids who appear curious about your child. If you can connect with their parent first, that is a bonus. A group of kids is harder to join. Older kids may enjoy being role models. Kids the same age as yours can be the trickiest, unless they have the same interests, or they just click.
Watching a game before jumping in is actually the appropriate way to enter the game. If your kid asks to join in too soon, they won’t know what the rules are, and they might be rejected just because it isn’t the right time to add a new player. Don’t push your kid.
Be patient. At first, my friends’ kids were my son’s friends. Sometimes that worked out, and sometimes it bombed. I’m thinking of one friend in particular, whose family went through a very challenging time. During that time, her son and mine were clashing a lot. It was important to me that we stuck with them, even when it was hard. It gave me a chance to talk with Ocean about my values and what friendship means to me. I wanted him to learn the value of loyalty. Now, years down the road, they get along great!
Once your kid begins school, ask your child’s teacher who they connect with. If your child approves, reach out to the parents to see if they would like to connect. It can be scary to cold-call parents you don’t know, which reminds us how scary it is for our kids to approach peers they don’t know. Model the courage it takes to be vulnerable. If it doesn’t feel like a good fit, trust your gut.
Your kid has a lot of strengths, and you can focus on those when teaching them about friendship. They know a lot about certain topics. Find kids with similar interests, and they will have a blast together!
5 Guidelines to Help Autistic Kids Manage Play Dates
As parents, it is our job to prepare and to manage the environment. Home, playground, or another setting? What food, if any? What time of day? What activity? How will everyone stay safe? You can prepare your child with social stories, checklists, or by role playing with puppets.
Parents of ‘easy’ kids will not plan ahead, and in fact, they will probably see the play date as a way to take a break. When I get a call ahead of time from a parent asking probing questions and setting clear boundaries, that’s when I know, these are my people.
Keep it short, unless you see that these particular kids take time to warm up. My son and one friend have a relationship that starts rocky and gets better with time. Those are the families to plan vacations with.
Once your kid has a friend, they can start a mental friend file. They can tell you something they learned about their friend. Then, you can remind them before the next meeting. If they aren’t sure what the other kid is interested in, don’t push it. Maybe you noticed something you can suggest?
Asking questions is a pivotal skill. When your child is ready, they can ask their friend something and listen to the answer. There’s no point in forcing this, as it is a developmental skill, but you can suggest questions. You can model it, and you can read stories or role play with puppets who ask each other questions. Non-speaking kids will use gestures to ask questions. Have their AAC device handy. I still remember the first time my son asked another kid a question, unprompted. It was his cousin. He addressed her by name, then asked, “Where’s your mama?”
If you’re interested in learning more, “Facilitate Your Preschoolers’ Social Skills” is a free on-demand webinar recording by Gili Segall, PhD. Here is the whole list of free webinars NYU offers parents. (I have no affiliation beyond our family’s good experience, and my desire to help other families who are struggling like we were.) If your teen is interested in concrete conversation skills, PEERS has role-play videos they can watch.
He started middle school, and I was thrown into anguish again, remembering my own tween angst and isolation. My tween was nervous, too. I told him, “If you have one friend, it is enough.” It is… but he has a few. He came home the first day telling me about the new friend he had made and their shared interests.
Ocean has to remind me sometimes, we are not allowed to ask for a “play date” anymore. We must say, “Do you want to hang out?”
He still doesn’t ask to “hang out” after school with friends, but he has enough social interaction, and is well liked enough, to get by. Most of his close friends are also neurodivergent, and that works out really well. He has thrived by being himself.
Please put your thoughts on neurodivergent friendship in the comments.
A version of this article was originally published by Autism Parenting Magazine.
I think about this a lot. I used to volunteer in a kindergarten / 1st grade classroom in a teeny progressive “open classroom “ model school back in the mid 1990’s. Their model was to talk very openly about community responsibility to each other, building empathy for neuro differences and talking out struggles with differences. A kid w ADHD or one whose temper was more explosive or a kid w autism or a kid who was 7 but looked like a 5 year old- these differences were all talked about very openly with the whole classroom community working together to support what each kids individual needs were. It wasn’t perfect but the onus was on the whole community to make space for differences rather than asking different kids to shape themselves to fit in. The struggle with this in most current public school classrooms is the issue of privacy. We can’t speak openly about differences because people often mask to avoid (likely realistic) expectations of discrimination. And this parallels our society’s long held pattern of segregation for any psychological or neurological differences. And the more we segregate, the more people in the “mainstream” are startled by and confused by and disdainful of differences. It’s a genuine conundrum and I wish I knew what to do to make it better.
I love reading about all you have done to help bring Ocean to the place he is. It's so inspiring. And as you know, I love who he is! I have always been so grateful for all your work, your research, your active loving. Without it he would have been very different, and much sadder. I'm so glad you're sharing your experiences and discoveries. Helping parents get over their fears and find the right resources and support systems to be able to help their children thrive is a great path. Thank you.