“How do I talk to my child about what to do if they were separated from their grownup?”
When I was asked this question, I started to pant a little. My stomach tightened up, and I felt lightheaded. I was having flashbacks of my autistic kid eloping.
It’s Really 2 Topics: Eloping and Getting Lost
But for me, they’re intrinsically linked.
As a toddler, my son Ocean had no concept of safety. Once he started walking, he practically flew. Half the time he flew right onto his face, so I needed to be nearby for comfort and cleanup. The other half, he was hard to keep up with, especially in crowded places, or when I was juggling all the bags, equipment, etc. that accompany an outing with a toddler.
“Autistic children who wander are at high risk of getting lost or hurt.”
His enjoyment was all-consuming!
Some call it wandering, but that implies strolling. Ocean loved speed so much that he would run away from me full-tilt just to feel the wind in his hair. Then he would forget to turn around to look for me, and when he couldn't see me (usually behind him, or running to catch up, but sometimes frantically searching a crowd), he would scream. Luckily. Because that made him easier to find.
One sunny weekend afternoon we were navigating the throngs of hipsters at a popular open-air food market (Smorgasburg), hoping to snag some Belgian fries after playing at the nearby Brooklyn Bridge Park Playgrounds.
One second he was toddling along in front of me, and the next he was gone!
He had darted forward into the crowd. I couldn’t see him. I tried to navigate through the sea of languid Birkenstocks and Vans, while my eyes tried to see everywhere, all at once. I repeatedly called out his name, but it was chaotic and noisy, and nobody noticed. Especially not Ocean. Until he did.
It was probably 30 seconds, but when I heard him screaming “MAMA!” it was music to my ears. He wasn’t that far away, but camouflaged among the crowd. He hadn’t heard me calling him (OF COURSE) - or thought to turn around - and was completely surprised that I wasn’t still directly behind him.
I suddenly empathized with the parents who strap their kids into those leash-inspired backpacks. Phew.
Other places he ran away:
Supermarkets
Parks
Airports
Down the sidewalk on his scooter toward the NYC intersection…
Then he started preschool, and he would run away from the group in the park. He had zero concept that the teachers might be worried about him or that he was in danger. That was one of the reasons they suggested a more supportive setting for the following year.
In his next school, an inclusive pre-kindergarten, they were more equipped with the staff (and understanding of his traits) to corral his energy, or at least monitor him closely. The Physical Therapist worked with him on safety measures like holding handrails going down stairs. She helped him improve core strength so he was falling less often. I found the playgrounds with only one exit, and other parents who understood the situation. At the same time, he got faster. He loved his scooter and still had no concept of fear.
3 of Our Safety Strategies I Hope Will Help You
1. Memorization Games
If your kid is anything like mine, they may have an awesome memory for facts and figures. We did drills of our address and phone number from the time Ocean could toddle until he had it fully memorized and could recite it at the drop of a hat. Then, we kept practicing.
I know parents of kids who aren’t speaking yet, who tuck a card in their kid’s pocket to hand out as needed. I always wrote our phone number in Ocean’s jackets too.
2. Play-Acting
We role played different scenarios, and acted them out with puppets. We rehearsed every possible variation of a situation during calm moments. One of the core traits of autism is that generalizing across different contexts can be tricky. So practice everywhere, and check for understanding often.
We rehearsed on the train, in the grocery store, in crowded outdoor areas. Rehearsing scenarios isn’t inherently scary for kids. They play make-believe with fire-breathing dragons and witches, so real life is pretty tame. And it’s empowering to know what to do if something unexpected happens. I made sure he knew that it wasn’t his fault if he got lost, and it was my job to find him.
You can make it into a game, with cool sound effects every time your kid remembers. Use funny voices, or say the wrong answer and let your kid correct you - and laugh. Laughter reduces anxiety, so it's a win-win.
3. Wearing a Smart Watch or Tracker
Electronic solutions weren't as available and affordable when Ocean was little as they are now, but I would’ve used them if I could have! If your kid can't wear a watch, there are tags for shoes, etc., which are also good solutions for less communicative kids, or kids with selective mutism, or those who freeze up under pressure.
We got Ocean a Gizmo watch when he started 6th grade because I was hoping he would begin walking to school on his own. Even though that didn’t happen until 8th grade, it was reassuring being able to see where he was when he ventured out for lunch (which was supervised by staff).
When you hear about a kid who got lost, don't shy away from talking about it in a developmentally appropriate way.
I’m not saying your kid should be anxious or have lots of scary stories in their head. But even big feelings aren’t so bad if we know we're not alone in the feeling. Ask your kid how they feel about it, and what they would do. They’ll learn that they aren’t the only kid who takes off, which is de-shaming. Being open about your concerns ensures that they’ll be more prepared for unexpected situations… and possibly more aware of avoiding unsafe situations. A little healthy fear of danger keeps us safe.
Finally, focus on the specific skills your kid needs in your environment.
We had subways to worry about. You might have parking lots.
Going on a trip? There are airport “rehearsal programs” for kids with disabilities, like Wings for All. Maybe get a leash-style backpack?
As you probably know, drowning is the biggest risk for autistic kids who elope. I got Ocean into swimming lessons early. If your kid likes water, talk about water safety dos and don'ts.
In case you were wondering…
Ocean no longer runs away from me - but he still loves speed and just ran his first 5K!
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So helpful! Thank you, Kate!