This article is about parenting while worried. So, it is about self-regulation, leadership, mindset, and neuroception. Neuroception is when we can ACCURATELY answer the question, "Is it safe?"
Two things are true:
If you literally never worry about your kid, I can’t help you.
I don’t believe it is insensitive to stop worrying so much.
Parents who are really worried about their neurodivergent kids are exceedingly caring and committed to parenting. They care so deeply that they are turning themselves inside out with worry, and when their nervous systems settle, it can have an enormous impact on their whole family.
If you are a parent, you are a leader. The best leaders can identify a problem, and trust that the problem is solvable. What will help you in your leadership role? What will get you from blacking out at the thought of your child’s 18th birthday, to beaming with confidence that you can guide them towards a fulfilling future?
It Starts With Your Own Self-Regulation
Ugh.
Wouldn’t it be easier if you could just snap your fingers and make all your kid’s problems disappear? Even if you could, other problems would arise. Self-regulation is not what parents want to hear about. I’ll explain why it is what parents need.
Your role as leader is to teach problem-solving. If you are freaking out about the problem, you won’t be a very effective teacher.
There are two pathways to regulate your nervous system: top-down, and body-up:
Mindset is a top-down strategy that plants seeds of change in your subconscious mind.
Body-up strategies like breathing and movement help you ground your nervous system fast, without all the thinking.
I don’t know about you, but I need both!
“The autonomic nervous system sends and searches for cues of safety or danger… The cues sent from one system to another either co-regulate and invite new possibilities or increase reactivity and reinforce habitual survival patterns.”
-Deb Dana
To a great extent, it is your thoughts that create your feelings. But, faster than thoughts, your body takes in sensory information (through your enteric nervous system), and reacts to it. So you could say that your guts create your feelings.
Either way, what definitely does NOT cause YOUR feelings is your child’s brain. The challenges your kid is facing do not force you to feel a certain way. Read that again. You can free yourself from that belief, and take ownership of your own feelings.
While it may feel like your circumstances are causing your stress, you do have a choice in how you respond to those circumstances. Yes, even the ones that feel like an emergency! Read on before deciding that I’m dreaming.
If you’re in freak-out mode (hyper-reactive nervous system), you are probably not feeling very optimistic, trusting, or confident. If you don’t believe your kid can overcome their challenges, you won’t be motivated to teach them problem-solving skills. But when your mind is calmer, you may see your child through a new lens. I am not talking about fantasizing about having a different kid, or any sort of ‘cure.’ I’m inviting your to reframe, and imagine what life could be like for your kid in the future.
I would LOVE to hear from some parents of older kids in the comments:
What’s something your kid is now doing that you never imagined they would do?
The first step to changing your nervous system’s reaction is to be aware of it. Conceived by Dr. Stephen Porges, the term neuroception is similar to mindfulness: It means being aware that the state we are in is an accurate response to the context of the moment. Neuroception is when we can ACCURATELY answer the question, "Is it safe?" This takes practice! Especially if you are an anxious person by nature, or your circumstances have installed a hair-trigger in your brain, your nervous system’s response may not always be accurate, and may lean towards catastrophizing.
Imagine you are the robot from "Lost In Space." You're on a desolate, unknown moonscape, calling out "Danger, Will Robinson!"
How does your body feel when you look at the picture above?
Now imagine you are a lion after a good meal, lounging on the savannah, rolling with your cubs and your pride, basking in the warm sun.
How does your body feel when you look at the picture below?
Would you make different choices in your life depending on where your nervous system thought it was? The moonscape or the savannah?
Neither is wrong, it just depends on the context. The lion probably wouldn't last long on the moonscape, but it doesn't have to worry about that… so it doesn't.
When a parent’s nervous system becomes more settled and self-aware, it will positively influence their kids.
Now imagine your toddler darting out into the street.
You know you need to move fast. Your hair-trigger nervous system has been preparing for this moment! There’s no existential angst. You see the danger, you know what to do, and you take action. You become The Flash, swooping up your kid and returning them to safety in the blink of an eye. The time for teaching is later, when everyone is safe and calm. Thank goodness for the stress response, which floods your body with hormones that make you super-hero fast! In that context, you would not want to be like the lounging lion.
But what about your concerns about your kid’s future?
Worrying about the future is also known as anxiety. Our brains don’t love events we can’t predict. You know your kid isn’t currently stumbling into 6 lanes of traffic, but it might feel that way in your body! Especially if you have inherited a hair-trigger nervous system or developed one due to trauma.
Take a mindful breath. How does your body respond when you think of your child’s future? It is worthwhile to feel into this question.
What your nervous system knows about safety depends on your environment, but it also relies on your genetics and your past experiences. In other words, what you imagine in the future can depend on your lens.
Here's the problem with hyper-reactive nervous systems:
Your brain may be telling you something that is no longer true, keeping you stuck in a state that doesn't match your current context. Or, it could be making up an untrue story to try to comprehend or predict something unknown, because brains don’t like uncertainty. They would rather “know” something untrue than not know!
When you notice this mismatch, you can pay attention, and that can interrupt the habit. You can do something about it just by being aware. Before any shift, and even before acceptance, we need to be completely, radically aware.
That happens in your body, not your mind. Tune into your body, and especially your gut, to untangle those body-up messages. Deb Dana, LCSW is a clinician and consultant specializing in working with complex trauma. She says:
"Neuroception accurately answers the question, 'In this moment, am I safe or in danger?' …When the autonomic nervous system has been shaped in an unsafe environment, habitual responses that are either too much or too little are a common result... Inability to calm defense systems in safe environments leads to a habitual hypervigilant, alarmed state."
-Deb Dana
Being worried is a good sign that you care! Sometimes our worry switch gets stuck in the ON position even when the current context has changed.
It is hard not knowing the future, but we simply can’t. We CAN work on co-regulating with our kids, and building skills based on their current development. A calm brain is a creative brain, which will trust that problems are solvable. That is sturdy leadership.
I LOVE working with parents who are really worried about their neurodivergent kids! Yes, that’s right! But I‘m far from insensitive. I just know it means that you are so committed to supporting your kids, that you are willing to work on yourself to help them. The tools I offer can have an immense impact on parents, especially the ones who care so deeply that they are turning themselves inside out with worry. When a parent’s nervous system becomes more settled and self-aware, it will positively influence their kids.
If you’d like to learn some self-regulation practices to shift your nervous system, so you can sit in the role of grounded leader with your neurodivergent child, grab your free Mindful Meltdown Cheat Sheet.
Do it now, before your kid distracts you!
I needed this today. Thank you for this wonderful advice.