I’ve been doing a lot of ‘shoulding’ since we got a puppy.
It really pushed my buttons that Ocean isn’t more involved, since he has wanted a dog since he was at least 3. So when I saw this post by Amy Weber, LCSW, I felt called out in the best way:
“It’s okay to grieve that. To want more of that shared joy you imagined.”
In her easy-to-skim post, Amy says:
“We all carry a backpack full of ‘shoulds.’
They create distance between us and our kids. When we parent the child we wish we had, we accidentally miss the child we do have.”
She reminded me of what I already know, but it’s easy to forget when I’m tired and stressed: “Sometimes progress doesn’t look like the parenting books said it would.”
My thought: “Ocean SHOULD be more engaged and involved in caring for the puppy. He wanted one so bad.”
I told Amy (and anyone else reading the comments):
“I’ve been noticing a lot of anger and looking underneath at my disappointment, exhaustion, longing and sadness.
And now this puppy is smitten with me rather than him. Hopefully that will change…
Oh well, at least I finally have a baby who sleeps through the night!”
Her reply was so thorough and compassionate that I wanted to share it with you:
“It sounds like this new puppy is bringing up a lot - not just the logistics of care, but deep emotions tied to expectations, connection, and the invisible load you're carrying. It's completely human to hope our kids will step up in these moments, and it's equally human to feel frustrated and depleted when they don’t…
“Disappointment, exhaustion, longing, sadness... those are big feelings, and they often hang out in the shadows of parenting. Especially when you're trying to build something beautiful, like responsibility and a bond between your child and this puppy... and it’s just not happening the way you hoped.
“It’s okay to grieve that. To want more ease. More help. More of that shared joy you imagined.
“And yes, maybe this puppy is smitten with you because you’ve become the default caretaker - but that doesn’t mean things can’t shift over time. Relationships grow. Trust builds. And sometimes, it takes a while for kids to find their rhythm in the caretaking role, especially if it brings up anxiety, sensory overload, or just doesn’t align with their current developmental stage. (And sometimes, frankly, it’s just not as fun as they thought it would be.)
“In the meantime… let’s celebrate the win: a baby who sleeps through the night! Honestly, that deserves a confetti cannon and a beverage of your choice.
“You’re doing beautiful, hard, heart-full work here. And even when it feels lopsided or lonely, it matters.”
This is what I love about working with empathetic, experienced professionals like Amy. There’s never any judgment, and transformation feels like a celebration! 🎉 🎉 🎉
Try this simple shift that Amy suggests:
Instead of: “Why can’t they just…?”
Try: “What’s hard about this for them?”
Here’s mine: What’s hard about taking care of a puppy?
What isn’t??? It’s care is unpleasant, unpredictable, and urgent. You can’t follow your own timeline, or the puppy will pee inside. There’s a huge learning curve. The fun part isn’t so fun when Peanut gets riled up - and he’s teething. I get it.
After downloading Amy’s ‘Throw Out the Shoulds Reflection Sheet’ (which you can get via her post), I decided to make a ‘Connection Goal’ of taking the puppy for a walk together - and being less bossy about how they interact.
I’m starting to shift my expectations of both the puppy and Ocean. It’ll be more gradual, but they have a lifetime to become best friends.
I’m still learning and growing. I’ve never followed a timeline myself. I’m giving all three of us space and grace, and recognizing that my longing for help is valid. What parent of an atypical kid doesn’t need more help?
If you’re in Brooklyn and want to come walk Peanut with your kid, let me know!
Thanks for reading until the end!
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I relate so much to this struggle. My son begged for this dog which is dog #2. So much work. Thank you for sharing and I’ll look at that tool in her linked article!
Oh…difficult, yes, but damn photogenic :)